Quick Quips Online - Faheem's Blog

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her new daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to come home.

Finally, her husband arrived home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a bad tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's the bitch with the bad tooth?"

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

(If you think this joke is funny... you probably smoke too much pot)

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says: "Faaaaarrrrkkinnnngggg Heeelllll, dude....... how much water did you drink?!!"

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name Was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"The word got around and nobody called him that any more.Then one day a Young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Goodmorning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next
day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! He tried again, and finally gave up, half-dead from exhaustion.

What is the moral of this story ...??

You can't kill two birds with one stone ..!!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! (not too funny, tho)

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigit's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

"Aye," said Fr. O'Malley. "That's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

PERSONAL INFORMATION

Name - Bobo Dread Amaka Baka Fari

Age - I man noh count birtday

Date of Birth - Mi sey Rasta noh deal wid dem tings deh man

Address - Uppa di Hills a Wesmorlan

Tel. No. - I man Doan participate ina di Bablyon system

Marital Status & No. of Children - I an I hav nuff comman law wif an 21 likkle soljas a run bout roun di island

Occupation: Sell Jelly coknat pan Spanish Town Rd. and weed outta mi Kitchen winda

Company Name - I man noh kip company yuh noh seeit

Present Position - Mi like di Lizzad lap positian .. but mi open to any adda position, yuh noh seet

FINANCIAL INFORMATION

Average Monthly Income - Depends pan di season and di demans fi di weed .. some time bizniss slow an ting

Credit Reference - More Fyah! I man noh deal wid credit .. strickly up front dallas a do it

Unsecured Overdraft Limit - Chat English .. a wha di Bloodbaught dat?

Secured Overdraft Limit - Mi sey yuh fi chat English!!

Personal Loan Amount - Tony owe mi bout 40 gran .. a gwine buss im bloodKlaat when a buck im up

Monthly Payment - Ask Tony cause a monts now mi noh si nat a cent fram im

No. of Monthly Payment Outstanding - Yuh def? Mi seh Tony noh gi mi back mi money so all a it outstanding

Mortgage Loan Amount - Mi noh pay margage fi mi zinc shed .. is I man build dat

Monthly Payment- Yuh com back a ask di same foolishness?

No. of Monthly Payment Outstanding - Is wha do dis ooman dowe eeh? MI SEY TONY NOH PAY MI YET!!

This is interview is over .. Application for Loan Denied

GOH WEH!!! unu hypocrite an Sadomite unu!

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his ass again"

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many,many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, "I... w...a...s... a...l...m...o...s...t... m...a...r...r...i...e...d"

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!"
The reply comes, Y..e..s,... I... w..e..n..t.. t..o... a.. d..o..c..t..o..r... a..n..d.. h..e... t..o..l..d.. m..e.. T..h..a..t... i..f.. I... s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y.. I... w..o..u..l..d.. n..o..t... s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks about how he was almost
married.

W..e..l..l,.. m..y.. f..i..a..n..c..e.. a..n..d... I... w..e..r..e.. s..i..t..t..i..n..g.. o..n... h..e..r... p..o..r..c..h.. a..n...d... t..h..e... d..o..g... w..a..s... s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g.. h..i..s... b..a..c..k... s..o... I.. t..o..l..d... h..e..r.. t..h..a..t.. w...h..e..n... w..e.... a..r..e... m..a..r..r..i..e..d,.. s..h..e... c..a..n... d..o.. t..h..a..t... f..o..r.. m..e... a..n..d.. t..h..e..n... s..h..e.. t..h..r..e..w... t..h..e... r..i..n..g... i..n... m..y.. f..a..c..e.

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first
friend.

"W..e..l..l,. I... s..p..e..a..k... s..o... s...l..o..w..l..y,... t..h..a..t... b..y... t..h..e... t..i...m...e... s..h..e.. l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t... t..h..e... d..o..g,... h..e.. w..a..s... l..i..c..k..i..n..g... h..i..s... b..a..l..l..s."

Jonsey buy a donkey from Ramsingh, an old farmer pardner, for $300. Ramsingh agree to deliver the > donkey the next day.

Next day, Ramsingh drive up and said, "Sorry Jonsey, but ah have some bad news. De donkey dead."

"Well, gie me back meh money," said Jonsey.

"Worse news boy, ah went and spen it ahreddy." "OK, den. Just unload de donkey."

"Wha yuh go do wid him?" asked Ramsingh.

"You doh worry, I go raffle him."

"Yuh cyar raffle a dead donkey. Yuh mad or what!"

"Who say so....you makin joke. Watch me. I ent tellin nobody he dead," said Jonsey.

A month later Ramsingh bounce up Jonsey in the market. "Jonsey, wha happen wit yuh dead donkey boy?"

Jonsey replied, "Ah raffle him off nuh. Ah sell 500 hundred tickets at 5 dollars and ah rake in $2,500.00"

"Nobody eh make noise?"

"Only de fella who win. So ah gie him back he five dollars!"

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a female patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating too". She clinked glasses with him and said, "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For months all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence," the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant. How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks." he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking,it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise,it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo shit. Someone has stolen tent".

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Okay old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit, third gay rooster I bought this month."

A preacher went to his congregation to ask for a raise because his wife was expecting a baby. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. These raises began to get expensive after six children and the congregation held another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation. From the back pew, a little old lady stood up and said, in a frail voice, "The Pastor is right however, rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions ..."

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

A young girl was going on a date.

Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about young boys.

He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you.

You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted.

"Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."

Granny fainted!

A 90-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this
jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 90-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with
her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth
in, then with her Teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between
her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song.

Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third.

By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.

In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

'Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.'

'That must have hurt,' said the judge.

'No kidding,' said the best man. 'I broke three of my fingers.'

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no
legs.

Three women walked past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so
she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No,"
so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you
ever been f****d?" The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No".

She said "You will be when the tide comes in".

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can Go back: as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen."

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout,

"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in bed!"

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello.Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the
boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle: "ME."

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f**king red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and Sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them -"The second most important quality is "Observation'". "I stuck my middle finger in, and sucked on my index finger." "Now learn to pay attention."

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." Your job is to give Elmo two TEST-TICKLES.

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.

The smell is atrocious!

Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.
The blast shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replies, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.

Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Dave then asked who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

"Can I borrow your dog?"

"Get in line." replied the man

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"