Quick Quips Online - Faheem's Blog

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.

The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember...

" The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up.

The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.

The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"

The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

A young Chinese couple gets married - he's a chef and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firs time and you bery frighten. I plomise you, I give you anytin you wan, I do anytin you wan. Wat you wan?"
"I wanna numma 69" she replies.

He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You want.... Beef with Broccoli?"

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later, Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. By da way. You got nice house."

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a big fart.

She looked up and said, "Aww so sowwy, excuse prease, front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". "Sensible" says Jeff."

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

Always remember you' re unique. Just like everyone else.

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He happened to look down the bar and see a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball. So he walked down and said to the man,

"Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?"

The man said "No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German's in W.W.II. I was the only survivor on the ship. So I swam to shore. One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes.

"For my first wish I wanted to return to Canada. The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid. She said, 'I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex.'"

So I said, "How about a little head?...

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents and the cow dead, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.

She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Yuh' boy, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is yo' boy, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I have been an A'ight boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.

LETTER 4:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good boy at all this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank's, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went to the kitchen and told his mother that he wanted to go to the church. His mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the hill until he got to the cathedral and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the cathedral, down the street, into a "PH Taxi" and straight home, and into his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:
AH HAVE YUH MUDDA. IF YUH WANT TUH SEE SHE AGAIN, SEND DE BIKE.

YUH KNOW WHO

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
*****

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*******

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
*******

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
*******

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006.......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head, and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Patrick Manning has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. "I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

"Patrick thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The Devil opened the first room. In it was Housing Minister Dr. Keith Rowley (Minister of... ???) and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Patrick said. "I doh think so nah. "I'm not a good swimmer and doh think I could do dat all day long.

" The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Franklin Khan (Minister of Works)with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got dis problem with meh shoulder. "I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Patrick.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Patrick saw Basdeo Panday (Distinguished Leader of the Opposition) lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Oma (his wife), giving him the best blow job ever!

Manning looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah oui, I go handle dis." The Devil smiled and said: "Oma, you're free to go!"

Whats the main difference between a British and Sicilian Psychic?
The british psychic can tell how many persons are going to die this year.
The Sicilian Psychic can give you their names.

Here's a simple and highly effective way to explain, in a nutshell, various Economic Systems. Use Cows. Enjoy.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one,milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one - tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy... .

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

INDONESIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both are stolen.
You then sell both.
You then stash the money to a very obscure non-budgetary account.

You then throw some of the money to political parties for campaign
funds, but you keep most of it for yourself.

TRINIDADIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell the cows to foreign investors, who keep the cows here to eat your grass and crap in your land, they milk the cow and ship the milk out and give you a few drops (in a foreign bank account).
You buy a benz and a facelift, and spend the change in CEPEP, who cut the grass the cow is supposed to eat.
The cows are dying of hunger, - milk faster!

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? "

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you'll shit when you hear the price."

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice..

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

A lawyer and a Trini woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The Trini is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works . . "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa." Again, the Trini politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a Trini he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this . . .

If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the Trini's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. . "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Trini doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Trini's turn. She asks the lawyer . . "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.

He wakes the Trini and hands her $500. The Trini politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, an d is going nuts trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated! He wakes the Trini and asks . . . "Well???....so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The Trini reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
when the wife looks over at him and asks the
question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get
married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to
do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sh*t."

It was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

Talk about being Pissed Off!

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the Assembly line for the automobile ... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.

Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"

God asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."

God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed in those ways you've outlined, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq .

To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby"

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!

An office manager was given the task of hiring an Individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked: "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man (A WHITE MAN), on his right, the man replied,"A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man (A COLOURED MAN). "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ... that's a very popular cliche? for speed."

He then turned to the third man (A BLACK MAN) who was contemplating his reply."Well, out at my dad's FARM, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch & way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an ant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.

"The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light"
He said. Turning to the fourth and final man (A INDIAN MAN), the interviewer posed the same question. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shat my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB................

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today.

> > Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
> > death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
> > when all of a sudden...
> >
> > "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
> >
> > "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
> >
> > So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
> > there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
> >
> > There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon,
> > double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can
> > imagine!!
> >
> > "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
> >
> > "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget "
> >
> > "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no
> > meerage, ees a bacon tree".
> >
> > And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
> > Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,
> > and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but,
> > true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his
> > dying breath.
> >
> > "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
> >
> >
> >
> > "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
> >
> >
> >
> > " Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
> >
>
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Ees.........
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
> >
> >
> >
> > Ees.....
>
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Ees.....
>
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Ees.....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Ees, a Ham Bush"

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an INLAND REVENUE SERVICES badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

*POOF*
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

*POOF*
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

*POOF*
He is turned into a tampon

And, the moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to
be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to
ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot
and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am
usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything
appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or
concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you
the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you
know why?"

"Oh that crazy old bugger," she replied. "That's because the first
time is usually in January and the second time is in August.

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man. "

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A little boy asked his father,
"daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, " I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"is is true dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "that happens in every country son"

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then it was too late."

Marriage is the triump of imagination over intelligence.

First guy says, "my wifes an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "your lucky, mine's still alive."

A womans prayer,
Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom, to understand a man, to love and forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because, Lord if I pray for strength, I'll just beat him to death.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,

"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Lets have a beer"

Ramsingh and Dolly were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I dead, so help meh, I go dig meh way up and outa de grave and come back and haunt you for de ress a yuh life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced some kinda obeah, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

Ramsingh liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack. Dolly had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the beer garden and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Dolly, gyul you eh fraid Ramsingh dig he way up and outa de grave and come back to haunt you for the rest a yuh life?"

Dolly put down the Carib and said, "Yuh tink I chupid or what?

Leh him dig nuh...... ah bury he ass upside down".

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I4m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

This took place in the Country of my Birth.

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Red House, the seat of Parliament in Port of Spain this Christmas Season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the building.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream and Pizza Boys Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh, green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels . And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the Port of Spain General Hospital.

O Lord, Please Help Us!!!!!

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]

Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list...

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex
with animals, but the animals must be female.

Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable
by death.

(Like if that is any better!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a
woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking
directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of
a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex
organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to
travel the countryside and deflower young virgins,
who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the
first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think about this one for a minute;
is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes
close to this ?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed
to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so
with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover,
on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

In India, men can anull a marriage if it is determined that
his wife is not a virgin! Hindu marriages occur primarily before puberty to ensure this.

Child marriages are now frowned upon and the groom can no longer be
certain that his bride to be is virtuous. As a result the groom can anull the marriage if it has so been determined.

(Instant divorce!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool,
England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with
her husband, and the first time this happens, her
mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to
have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same
time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they
had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from
vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics
may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
consumption on the premises!"

(Is this a great country or what? Well, . . . Not
as great as Guam, right guys?!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories
an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull
30 times its own weight and always falls over on its
right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ... ?)
(Did the government pay for this research?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last...

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning)

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the Churchill Roosevelt highway.

Nutting movin. De driver wonderin what happenin.

Nex ting, a man knocks on the window. De driver roll down he window and ask, "Wha goin orn?"

"Boy...terrorists kidnap Patrick Manning and askin for a $10 million ransom.

Otherwise dey say dey goin & douse he tail wit gasoline and set him on fire.

So we goin from car to car to take up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much everbody givin on average?"

"About a gallon."

A woman comes home and tells her husband, Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." o more headaches.

"What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache'; 'I do not have a headache', 'I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

Well, that is wonderful." the husband says.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.  His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.  The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife". "She's not my wife". "She's not my wife!"

His Funeral will be held on Saturday.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from Switzerland. She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks

"Excuse me father, may I ask a favor of you?" "Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies. "Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money for it. I really went well over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?"

"I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever able to lie..." "You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair remover. After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father's turn in line.

"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Custom's officer. "From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son." Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to ask, "And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?

The father replies, "I have a marvelous little instrument destined to be used on a woman, but which has never yet been used..." Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, "Go right through father. Next!"

A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him - a bullet wound to the head!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

So there's this guy who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him and that's just what I did."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!

"I sure did," said the wife.

"I got it all together, put it into my account . . . . . . . and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies "No; what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. "It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "You've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day."

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the 7th largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in Bushra; the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 115; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines

Royally yours,
HRH Queen Latifah XXVII

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike." the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally
dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his
head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you
liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral
costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly
dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this
afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And
did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after
mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by
saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber- cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired
for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T.

Thank you for your time. !

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.

(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).

>>> "This is what marriage is really all about "
>>>
>>> He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
>>> The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
>>> half.

>>> He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one
>>> pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
>>>
>>> As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around
>>> them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were
>>> thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal
>>> for the two of them."
>>>
>>> As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
>>> politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
>>> said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
>>>
>>> The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
>>> bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
>>> taking turns sipping the drink.

>>> Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
>>> another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
>>>
>>> As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
>>> napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who
>>> had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked
>>> "What is it you are waiting for?"
>>>
>>> She answered
>>> *
>>> *
>>> *
>>> *
>>> *
>>> *
>>> *
>>> *
>>> *
>>> "THE TEETH."

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied," You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman," How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist," everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded," You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist," but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were even before
we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: "Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

From H.A.L. Administration Dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

An incident of a leave letter: "I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

Letter writing: "I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

A candidate's job application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the bank.

There was an asian guy in front of me who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo my yen. Today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you clazy Amelicans too!"

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed....
P
E
N
I
S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
*PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday I be so glad that this be my last
child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those
damn payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house,
and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take
this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check
she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'expression on your mama's face."

So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout
dat?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and watch the 'spression on your face!!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

A chicken and a horse were playing together in a barn yard. Suddenly the horse falls into a mudpit. He yells to the chicken "Quick! Go get the farmer!Save me. Save me."

the chicken goes looking for the farmer, but can't find him. he jumps in the farmer's BMW, drives it over to the mudpit, lassos the horse, ties the rope to the car and pulls the horse out.

The horse is releived, saying "Thank you. Thank you. I owe you my life."

A couple days later, the horse and chicken were playing by the mudpit again, and this time the chicken falls in. "Help me. Help me. Go Get the farmer!" says the chicken.

The horse says "NO! i think i can get you out. The horse stretches across the mudpit and tells the chicken "Grab on to my dick". The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back and the chicken is saved.

The Moral, you may ask?

if you have a dick the size of a horse, you dont need a BMW to pick up chicks.

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list

In case you've heard of the economic crisis in Zimbabwe and are worried about the millions of people struggling to buy food and other essentials, let me give you some good news. President Robert Mugabe, longtime leader of the southern African nation, has come up with a brilliant solution: He's going to print more money.

According to the Associated Press, Mugabe told a meeting of council members, "Where money for projects has not been found, we will print it." A heated discussion followed, with some members favoring the Hewlett-Packard Laser Jet printer and others preferring Dell.

Economists in Zimbabwe were soon scratching their heads, asking themselves, "Why didn't we think of that?"

That's what separates the great leaders from the average ones. They know how to think "outside the box." Mugabe's ingenious strategy has caused American economist Craig Newmark to declare, "This year's race for the Nobel Prize in Economics is over. Robert Mugabe will win."

I don't know if he'll win the Nobel, but he'll certainly be in the running, especially if he prints some Swedish money and mails it to the committee.

At least one of you is probably thinking, "But Melvin, isn't printing money illegal? My cousin Sal tried to do it and he's now serving five years in the penitentiary."

Sal is not very smart. If he wants to print money, he needs to do it legally. He needs to go to Zimbabwe and work for the president. He'll be able to print all sorts of items: one-million-dollar notes, land and property deeds, letters of admiration from economists around the world.

A million-dollar note may soon be necessary, considering the rampant inflation plaguing the country. Prices are rising faster than Salman Rushdie's alimony payments. A loaf of bread costs 50 times what it did a year ago, which means that the only people who are eating bread on a regular basis are the night watchmen at the bakery. Poor guys, they can't afford to nap anymore.

The Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe has just issued a 200,000 Zimbabwe dollar note, which will buy you a 1kg bag of sugar. That's not much at all, especially since just a few years ago, you could have bought the sugar plantation.

Folks just can't afford to buy necessities anymore. "It doesn't make sense for me to spend 50,000 Zimbabwean dollars on a small bundle of firewood," said a 30-year-old woman named Esther. "Especially when I can get a better, longer-lasting fire by burning the cash."

A 25-year-old man named Gift said he would not pick a 1,000 Zimbabwean dollar note off the ground. "It is worthless," he said. "No one will pick it up."

Actually, some people do pick it up. "If we care about our country, we shouldn't leave money lying around," said a 50-year-old man named James. "We should pick it up and put it into a trash bin."

Not only are prices too high, food and other items are in short supply. People have to stand in line for everything. There are lines for bread, lines for milk, even lines for lines.

Young man: "Excuse me, is this the line to buy fishing line?"

Old man: "No, they're out of fishing line again. This is the line to call the complaint line."

Young man: "Who do we complain to? Mugabe?"

Old man: "It's not Mugabe's fault. He's been in power for only 27 years. You've got to give him time."

Young man: "Time for what?"

Old man: "To print more money, of course."

_____________________
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and occasional stand-up comedian.

A man takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done, glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" the husband replied, "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that." The man said, "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." The genie said, "No problem. You've got it, it's the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

Then he turned to the woman and asked, "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" The woman replied, "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world." The genie said, "Consider it done and your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

Then the couple asked in unison, "And now what's your wish, genie?" The genie looked at the couple and said, "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" The husband quickly replied, "You know I love you sweetheart, I'd do the same for you!"

So, the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" Breathless after the three hour sexual encounter, the woman answered, "Why, we're both 36."

With a smirkish look on his face, the genie said, "No kidding ... thirty-six years old and you both still believe in genies!"

A Jamaican woman felt that her love life was slipping because her husband had no more interest in sex. While shopping one day, she passed an adult shop and saw some crotchless panties, so she decided to buy one and try to use it to excite and seduce him.

That evening she took a long bath, put on a favorite perfume, and then she put on a sexy negligee and her new crotchless panties. Then she slithered into the room where her husband was watching TV as usual.

She stands right in front of him, with one foot resting high on the ottoman, negligee wide open, and whispers "yu wah some a dis?".

Her husband looks up at her wide-eyed and says, "No sah, yu mad, yuh nuh see wha it do to yuh panty".

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The coup le makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems and seemingly are really enjoying themselves ).

He then pays the doctor, and they leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out through the aid of my services?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

Three contractors are bidding to fix the fence at Red House. One is from San Fernando, another from Port of Spain and the third, from Sangre Grande.

They go with an official from the Red House, to examine the fence. The Sando contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well,"he says. "De job go run yuh 'bout $900: $400 for material, $400 for my crew an' $100 profit for me."

The Grande contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do dis job for $700; $300 for material, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for Me. "

The POS contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Red House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, observes: "Yuh didn't even take measurement like de eddah contractah dem! Weh yuh get such a high figgah?"

"Easy man," the POS contractor explains, "Look nah! $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me an' we hire de breddah from Grande."

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge round the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that awful phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.

TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!

>Dear Staff:
>Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented
>to raise the efficiency of our office.
>
>ATTIRE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
>salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we
>assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
>raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
>better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need
>a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
>therefore you do not need a raise.
>
>PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
>They are called Saturday & Sunday.
>
>LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat
>more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
>for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat
>people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
>drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
>
>SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
>sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
>work.
>
>RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
>There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
>three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
>the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second
>offense, your picture will be posted on the bulletin board under the
>"Chronic Offenders" category.
>
>SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
>You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
>something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
>
>Thank you for your loyalty to our Department. We are here to provide a
>positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
>concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
>insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and
>input should be directed to the Unemployment Offices.
>
>Have a nice day.
>Human Resources Dept.

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

The flight attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said,"You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed.

"You pushed one too many buttons,"replied the nurse."The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the fu**ing Pope as a driver!!"

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, Son, what happened last night?

His son says, Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.

Confused, Marty asks, So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?

His son replies, Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife."Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he's told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'

Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her while got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle.'

The old lady fainted.

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said.

"We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "Sure it is. You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

A man joined a big multinational company as a trainee.

On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded,"You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to???"

"No", replied the trainee.

"I'm the Managing Director of this company, you fool!" the MD responded.

The man shouted back," and do you know who you're talking to, you fool !?"

"No", replied the MD.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day, and may his hands be too short to scratch...

Amen!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

He came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He smiled and reached for his pecker. The women heard the rustling and became aware of his presence... they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

He's still smiling to this day.

Harrysingh was driving his taxi on a route, and saw an old white guy flagging him down. He pulled over, and the white guy said "thank God you stopped. i have to get to the airport but i havent got any money. can you help me good sir?"

Harrysingh thought a minute and agreed to help. On the way to the airport, the man thanked Harrysingh profusely, and they talked about common interests. On reaching their destination, the man turned to harrysingh and said "if your ever in Engalnd call me up, and i'll take you to fox hunting"

Harrysingh agreed and left. 3 months later, he won a competition with the first prize being an all expense paid trip to london.

on landing, he called up his friend and agreed to go over the next day. 24 hours later, Harrysingh pulls up at the manor, dressed in a tux with a bottle of the very best cherry wine he could afford.

His friend asked "but harrysingh, i thought we agreed to go fox hunting, why are you dressed in a tuxedo?"

Harrysingh hit his forehead with his hand as his face turned red. Embarrased, he looked at his friend and said "Fox Hunting?! baap! i tought you meant f@#k something!

Scientists developed an experiment to determine which nationality could demonstrate the best survival skills. They would drop 3 persons on a remote island for 6 months and test their ability to adapt to the environment. An American, a French and a Chinese were selected.

The american was in charge of living amenities, the french in charge of housing infrastructure, and the chinese in charge of supplies.

They were dropped off and each went to pursue their given areas, intendting to regroup and consolidate. Later that day, the american and french both reported on their intentions... but the chinese was missing.

6 months later the scientists retuned, and was noting the progress. Both the american and french reported on their progress, but both identified the chinese went missing the first day and never returned.

they assembled teams who went in search of the man, and as they were trekking through the busehs, out jumped the chinese and yelled "Surplise!"

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.....

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean,we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8 "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7 "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6 "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5 "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4 "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3 "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2 "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

1 "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

But what the hell...

Q: what do you call a fly with no wings?
A: a walk. (lol)