Quick Quips Online - Faheem's Blog

(Compliments the divine chris... enjoy!)

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch, he said. The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50 ?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, " Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied; "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

found this hilarious.... and so true
In the year 2004, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Canada, and said,

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard .... but no Ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then Transport Canada and the Departments of Highways and Hydro demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then Environment Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked. "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?

"No", said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."

In his Sunday sermon, the preacher used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question.

With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three. "

Pleased with her mild manner, he commented, "Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be 93, and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, slowly turned around and said:

"It's easy. I just outlived the bitches."

1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!

A man is dying of cancer.

His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??".

Answer: "So that when I die, no one will dare screw your mother."

A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed,
just like at the dinner table".

The man climbs into bed slowly and says:

"Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?"

> > At New York's International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in the possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. Attorney General Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The man is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
> >
> > Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed, Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "X" and "Y," and though they are frequently referred to as "unknowns," we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer, Isosceles, used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.""
> >
> > When asked to comment on the arrest, a White House spoke person said, "If God had wanted us to have weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and
very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching,
and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies,
she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local
postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish,
she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription
engraved on her
tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the
funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone
that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone
that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had
chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the oldmaid's final request, considering the very limited space available on
the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But
finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with
what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by Consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put Him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an on coming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

I have been giving it considerable thought, lately, and have come to the only possible conclusion:

"Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off,
kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one."