Quick Quips Online - Faheem's Blog

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.' The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

'What? ! He had two assholes?' asked the mortician. Then Gomer said, 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, ‘Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started. ‘Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?’ The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, sighs, then turns to her and says, ‘First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.‘

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then....'He sighed..............'Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.’

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until

one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange

a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting

a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER:"Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me!"

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE:"I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on

shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble
with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.
I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church.........
Haven't seen one back since!"

A guy walks into a doctor's office with a frog sitting on his head and the doctor says,

" Hey you seem to have a problem there."
Then the frog replies, "Yeah, and would you believe it all started as a wart on my ass!"

1. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
2. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
4. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
5. It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
6. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
7. If you don't like what you get you can always go next door.
8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
9. Less guilt the morning after.

10: YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!

Two nuns are traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination." shouts the second. The first nun switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!

"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!" says the second. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

"Now what?" screams the first nun. "Show him your cross!" says the second.So the nun rolls down the window and shouts:
"GET OFF MY DARN HOOD, YOU LITTLE CREEP!!"

Two men were walking home after a night in the tavern and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery to get to their homes quicker. In the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Good gracious, Sir," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Q: What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?
A: Ghoul-aid!!!

Q: What is a Mummies' favorite type of music?
A: Wrap!!!!!

Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q: What's a monsters' favorite bean?
A: A human bean.

Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand-witch.

Q: Did you hear about the unsuccessful vampire hunter?
A: He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart because steaks were too expensive.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.

Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich.

Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Don't spook until your spooken to.

Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A: An amoeboo!

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.

Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.

Q: Who goes to the monster's PTA?
A: Mummies and Deadies.

Q: How do monsters know their future?
A: They read their HORRORSCOPES.

Q: What skeleton was a famous detective?
A: Sherlock Bones.

Q: What are the days of the vampire week?
A: Moonday, Toothday, Veinsday, Thirstday and Frightday.

Q: Who does a female ghost see on a Friday night?
A: Her Boofriend.

Q: What do ghosts eat for dinner?
A: Spok-etti.

Q: What do short-sighted ghosts wear?
A: Spook-tacles.

Q: Why do ghosts like tall buildings?
A: `Cos they have a lot of scarecases.

Q: What are ghosts favorite music?
A: Haunting melodies.

Q: What do you call a drunken ghost?
A: A methylated spirit.

Q: Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
A: Because vacuum cleaners don?t have long enough cords.

Q: Where do ghosts live?
A: In a far distant terrortory.

Q: When the male ghost met the female ghost...?
A: It was love at first fright.

Q: Why are vampires stupid?
A: Because they are all suckers.

Q: Why are Dracula's jokes bad?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck.

Q: Why is Frankenstein humorous company?
A: Because he'll always leave you in stitches.

Q: What did one ghost ask another?
A: Do humans exist?

Q: Why was the little ghost stupid?
A: Because he climbed over walls.

Q: What tree does Dracula love?
A: A ceme-tree.

Q: Where do vampires store their money?
A: In a blood bank.

Q: Why can't a skeleton have fingers more than 11 inches long?
A: Because 12 inches is a foot.

Q: Why was Baby Dracula scared to go to the bathroom?
A: Because he was scared of the light.

Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet.

Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A: It's good for the bones.

Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling.

Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A: Because he was coffin.

Q: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay.

Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank.

Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the dead sea.

Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula's terror-tory.

Q: Where does dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie.

Q: Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.

Q: What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A: Bone appetit!

Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Dayscare centers.

Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A: His ghoul friend.

Q: What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A: Benjamin Frankenstein.

Q: What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A: Ice Scream.

Q: What's a monsters favorite play?
A: Romeo and Ghouliet.

Q: What do witches put on their hair?
A: Scare spray.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.

Q: What's a haunted chicken?
A: A poultry-geist.

Q: Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A: Because he was in need of a light snack.

Q: Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
A: Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

Q: What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A: Boo boos.

Q: Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.

Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A: They're good at keeping things under wraps.

Q: What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
A: Ghost-Toasties.

Q: What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A: A wash and wear wolf.

Q: What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
A: They boo-kle their seatbelts.

Q: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A: Count Duckula.

Q: What game do little cannibals like to play at parties?
A: Swallow the leader.

Q: Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
A: Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's.

Halloween Rules:

When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take *anything* from the dead.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

(It was just a matter of time, really...)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

In an OESH class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.

A female Masters' candidate raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?'

'That's correct,' responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.

The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat. Have a good day.'

TWO GAY MEN DECIDE TO HAVE A BABY. THEY MIX THEIR SPERMS TOGETHER AND THEN HAVE A SURROGATE MOTHER ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED.

WHEN THE BABY IS BORN, THEY RUSH TO THE HOSPITAL. A DOZEN BABIES ARE IN THE WARD, ELEVEN OF WHOM ARE CRYING AND SCREAMING.

OVER IN THE CORNER, ONE BABY IS SMILING SERENELY.

A NURSE COMES BY, AND TO THE DELIGHT OF THE TWO GAYS SHE POINTS OUT THE HAPPY CHILD AS THEIRS. "ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?" ONE GAY SAYS TO THE OTHER.

"ALL THESE UNHAPPY BABIES...AND YET OUR BABY IS SO HAPPY. THIS JUST PROVES OUR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER."

THE NURSE SAYS "OH SURE, HE'S HAPPY NOW , BUT JUST WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE PULL THE THERMOMETER OUT OF HIS ASS"!

If you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart... Then you are just an old sour fart!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back,
"University of Oklahoma." AND they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough money)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing,
aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a original draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a dildo can't mow the lawn)

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps
on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby.

When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off. The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents.

He asks the shop owner to sell him only one of the condoms and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted. "The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each. "So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.

While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.

When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic but she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby was 4 years old, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?" The father shouted, "You are damn lucky! 5 cents more and you would have been purple."

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you : Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like .. Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .... .Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
interests

PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say the bandages on my rib cage will come off in about two weeks, and I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Once upon a time, lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch em, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next
four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills