Quick Quips Online - Faheem's Blog

>The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affairwith his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied,"I'm having an affair with my secretary.We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said:"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.The joyful
father rushed to the nurseryto see his new son.He was horrified as he
stared at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!Have you been fooling around behind my back?"The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated,and made a startling discovery..Schwartz had the largest private parthe had ever seen!"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an
impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed
it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to
show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My
God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her loverwhen she heard her husband
opening the front door."Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder."Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room."Oh it's a statue," she replied,"the Smiths bought one and I liked itso I got one for us, too. "No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer."Here," he said to the statue, "have this.I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair
>A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent.""One Cent?" the man exclaimed.He glanced at the menu and asked:"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man."Where's the guy who owns this place?"The bartender replied:"Upstairs, with my wife."The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied:"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
>
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess.""There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied,

"now just rest and let the poison work."

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb,
went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact
there is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so "And
lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And
Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was
more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the
very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the
people giving those gifts had two important characteristics
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers.

Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so
somebody else can tear it off.

This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a
statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the
only time he ever wraps a gift is "If it's such a poor gift that I
don't want to be there when the person opens it."

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter
of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one
ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,"
Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills,
I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a
deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping
paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am
done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift
peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking
pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies,
the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by
Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane.

My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries
separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental
illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual
volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills, like having
babies, that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why
today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when
the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it,
you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how
to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with
an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of
food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking some of the best crack ever!

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive
bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to
delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

1) You believe in Santa Claus
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus
3) You are Santa Claus

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints.

At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door.

Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"

The rest, as they say, is history...

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

Whereas, on an occasion immediately
preceding the Nativity festival,
throughout a certain dwelling unit,
quiet descended, in which could be heard
no disturbance, not even the sound
emitted by a diminutive rodent related
to, and in form resembling, a rat; and

Whereas, the offspring of the
occupants had affixed their tubular,
closely knit coverings for the nether
limbs to the flue of the fireplace in
expectation that a personage known as
St.Nicholas would arrive; and

Whereas, said offspring had become
somnolent, and were entertaining re:
saccharine-flavored fruit; and

Whereas, the adult male of the
family, et ux, attired in proper
headgear, had also become quiescent in
anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and

Whereas, a distraction on the snowy
acreage outside aroused the owner to
investigate; and

Whereas, he perceived in a most
unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled
by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a
species found in artic regions; and

Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman
was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:

"Your immediate co-operation is
requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and
Vixen; and collective action by you will
be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid,
Donder, and Blitzen"; and

Whereas, subsequent to the above,
there occurred a swift descent to the
hearth by the aforementioned gentleman,
where he proceeded to deposit gratuities
in the aforementioned tubular coverings.

Now, therefore, be ye advised:
that upon completion of these acts,
and upon his return to his original
point of departure, he proclaimed
a felicitation of the type prevalent
and suitable to these occasions, ie:

Merry Christmas to All and to All a
Good Night!

The analysis calculates that there are possibly 378 million children in the Christian world; at just over 4.1 per household, that's 98.1 million homes. "One presumes that there's at least one good child in each".

Time zones give Santa 31 hours of Christmas to work with, which means 822.6 visits per second. "This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, fill the stockings ... [and] get back into
the sleigh."

The sleigh itself would have to travel at 3,000 times the speed of sound, 650 miles per second. "[The] fastest man made vehicle ... the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey
27.4 miles per second." The sleigh's payload - assuming nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set, weighing 2 lbs, is 321,300 tons and, even if flying reindeer have 10 times the
pulling power of an ordinary reindeer, he will need 214,000 of the beasts.

Finally, "353,000 tons, travelling at 650 miles per second, creates enormous air resistance ... the lead pair of reindeer (you know, Rudolph and chum) will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules
of energy ... per second ... each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously". Santa's whole flying circus, the fax claims, would burn up, like a spacecraft re-entering the atmosphere.

"In conclusion: If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve .. he's dead now!!"

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat Scan.....................Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.

Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.

Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

Many many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mom and it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his butt.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."

In the back woods of Arkansas, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. A doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous redneck busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Enus!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's dat der light that's attractin' em?"

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud:

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now read only the third word
from each line aloud!

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.

The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition. The redhead won, and the brunette came in second.
However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by, causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.

"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."
The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," the newspaper obit read. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50."

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."

St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years." The old lady says "Well tell me about them."

The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."

She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."

He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."

The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."

The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."

The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank
while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can,
and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in
baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets
and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks
we took hitchhiking.

As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats,
booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a
special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and
NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid
made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as
we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and
then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After
running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video
games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no
surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no
Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there
were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not
live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with
sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we
did not poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the
door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those
who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers,
problem solvers and inventors ever!

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Patrick manning and Colm Imbert, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Manning asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, was traveling in a maxi taxi and it hit a pot hole and ran off the road and he died, that would be a tragedy."

No," says Manning, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If my mommy and daddy and got kidnapped and the bandits took the money but still killed them, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Imbert "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent.

No other children volunteered.

Imbert searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying Prime Minister Patrick Manning and Minister Colm Imbert was suddenly blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims the Manning, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be no great loss, and it probably wouldn't be no accident either."