Quick Quips Online - Faheem's Blog

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years." The old lady says "Well tell me about them."

The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."

She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."

He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."

The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."

The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."

The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank
while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can,
and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in
baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets
and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks
we took hitchhiking.

As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats,
booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a
special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and
NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid
made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as
we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and
then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After
running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video
games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no
surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no
Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there
were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not
live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with
sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we
did not poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the
door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those
who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers,
problem solvers and inventors ever!

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Patrick manning and Colm Imbert, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Manning asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, was traveling in a maxi taxi and it hit a pot hole and ran off the road and he died, that would be a tragedy."

No," says Manning, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If my mommy and daddy and got kidnapped and the bandits took the money but still killed them, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Imbert "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent.

No other children volunteered.

Imbert searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying Prime Minister Patrick Manning and Minister Colm Imbert was suddenly blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims the Manning, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be no great loss, and it probably wouldn't be no accident either."