Quick Quips Online - Faheem's Blog

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.

'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week..

The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental health wing, a visitor asked the Director,
'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them
are hurt.. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a
woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're
unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends
and live together in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God! But your still at fault...women shouldn't be
allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to
the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cork back
on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of
his, also a mute. In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been
doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I
can talk now."

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a
specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment
program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.

Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They
got an appointment that very afternoon.

After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent
damage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy,
and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replied the specialist."Kindly go into the next room, drop
your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaked in carrying a
broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he
'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.

The mute jumped from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiled the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."

A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for
her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.
She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd
just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went past
the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the
preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils,
and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was
looking for. She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom
of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he
WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn't
believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on
display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling
kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils,
and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was
starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around,
just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that
nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!
This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about
ran over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but
not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or
golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.
Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As
she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching
look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even
sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading
for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as
lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one
would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets
available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the
toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to
her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to
drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the
box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad
might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it
hurt?)

She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept
winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought,
"oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF! The frog turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE... and the widow turned into...The first motel she came to!

A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:

1. 2 Jamaican men and 1 Jamaican woman
2. 2 Trinidadian men and 1 Trinidadian woman
3. 2 Guyanese men and 1 Guyanese woman
4. 2 Bajan men and 1 Bajan woman
5. 2 Antiguan men and 1 Antiguan woman
6. 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
7. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman

One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
One Jamaican man killed the other Jamaican man for the Jamaican woman.

One Trinidadian man kidnapped the Trinidadian woman and asked the
other Trinidadian man for the ransom.

The two Guyanese men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the Guyanese woman.

The two Bajan men are sleeping together, and the Bajan woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The Two Antiguan men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Antiguan woman and they start swimming.

The two Chinese men are talking to all the other men on the island try to sell them the Chinese woman.

The two Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.

PARIS (AFP) - Alongside tragedies, wars and natural disasters the year just ending brought its share of unusual, outrageous and tragi-comic and just downright silly news items.

A selection of the stranger items:

- The authorities running a cemetery near Tel Aviv were bemused to find tourists beating a path to the grave of a 19-year-old British soldier who died in fighting 66 years earlier. His name, engraved on the headstone, was Harry Potter.

- A German inventor had the idea of placing a specially adapted mobile phone in the coffins of the dead. That way relatives could call up and speak to their dear departed without having to leave home.

- In Japan, police were so upset to hear that a student who was caught up in a traffic accident had to get to an important exam that they gave him a full escort with sirens, arriving with 10 minutes to spare.

- Police in Newcastle, Australia, reported a spate of frozen chickens smashing into house roofs with great force. They suspected a prankster with a powerful catapult.

- Local lawmakers in the US state of Virginia threw out a bill that would have banned young people from wearing low-slung trousers. "Underwear is called underwear for a reason," said the congressman who sought the measure.

- A Thai businessman who said he was giving up his massage parlour to enter parliament sought to demonstrate his new resolve by smashing a bathtub outside the assembly and then lying immobile in a coffin. The tub represented his former business, and the coffin showed that he was no longer his old self, he said.

- A man and woman held in adjacent cells of a Turkish prison made a hole in the wall through which they managed to have sex and produce a child, papers said. They got a further four-month sentence for damaging public property.

- The northern English city of Carlisle had second thoughts about an art project in which the text of an ancient local curse was set on a stone in the city centre. Not long after it was installed the city suffered disastrous floods, a bout of cattle disease and local factory closures.

- There were red faces in the office of Croatian President Stipe Mesic after a painting given to him as a gift turned out to have been stolen from a local art exhibition.

- Workers in a German post office thought they had a bomb on their hands when a parcel began vibrating and making strange noises. It turned out to contain an inflatable sex toy.

- Before setting off to rob a bank, a man in the west African state of Mali put on charms that he believed would make him invisible. He was jailed with gunshot wounds after police guarding the place saw through him, or rather failed to do so.

- Tourism authorities in Switzerland decided to wrap an entire glacier in PVC foam to try and stop it melting during the summer months.

- Christian believers in Chicago flocked to a highway retaining wall after a stain that was said to resemble the Virgin Mary appeared on it. A graffiti artist then scrawled "Big Lie" over it, before the city authorities had the whole thing painted over.

- A pastor in Denmark's established church who had been suspended because he did not believe in God was allowed back into the fold. "We're giving him another chance," said the religious affairs minister, who oversees the Lutheran Protestant Church.

- A mute young man who was found wandering on a southern English beach, and who was reported to be a virtuoso piano player, had media around the world fascinated for months. He was later found to be a German fame-seeker -- and it turned out he didn't play the piano all that well either.

- The Virgin Atlantic airline said it was setting up a frequent fliers' club called "Flying Paws." Initial membership was four dogs and a cat; humans need not apply.

- After a row with his wife about money, a well-off Israeli man opened the family safe, took out the equivalent of 680,000 dollars in banknotes and burned it to ashes on the front lawn.

- A top official with the tennis tournament at Wimbledon, England took the opportunity of his retirement speech to complain about vocal grunting by female players, which he said was getting ever louder.

- Educational authorities in New South Wales, Australia, protested when the state board of studies proposed making surfing into a high-school diploma subject.

- A Japanese woman who paid a contract killer the equivalent of 136,000 dollars to murder her lover's pregnant wife went to the police to complain when he failed to do the job.

- The German interior ministry said that people being snapped for ID photographs should no longer smile because it messed up their biometric recognition technology.

- An Iraqi man who enjoyed a night of love with a British woman in Cyprus got into hot water because of his bad English. He had apparently decided to say "Yes" to whatever she requested -- which worked fine until she thought to ask him, after the fact, whether he had AIDS. "Yes," he answered -- erroneously as it later turned out.

- The Munch museum in Oslo refused to sell copies of a board game based on the real-life theft of its most famous painting, Edvard Munch's "The Scream."

- A Chinese company calling itself "Lunar Embassy" tried to sell real estate on the moon. Its founder claimed there was no law against such a project, but the authorities thought otherwise.

- A Los Angeles taxi-driver found a pouch containing 350,000-dollars' worth of diamonds left in his cab. The driver, an immigrant from Afghanistan, simply handed them in to the police.

- Emily, a one-year-old tabby cat from the US state of Wisconsin, strayed into an air cargo container and before she knew it she was being unloaded in the eastern French city of Nancy. Unharmed, she was flown back in style.

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

I said to the Gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can't make Tuesdays.”

A woman goes into a cafe with a duck. She puts the duck on a stool and sits next to it. The waiter comes over and says: “Hey! That's the ugliest pig that I have ever seen.” The woman says: “It’s a duck, not a pig.” And the Waiter says: “I was talking to the duck.”

A woman told her friend: “For eighteen years my husband and I were the happiest people in the world! Then we met.”

Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says ‘Do you know how to drive this?’

A patient says: “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: “Could you please pass the butter.” But instead I said: “You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life”.”

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

We are looking for innovative computer engineers who like working alone solving difficult problems.

if you are the candidate for this job, call us now at the following:

[x=24; y=30]
+ [01.(y*2-x)-(y*2-10*2).10 - 2xy - root 3x.12xy

Unsuitable applicants can take their time.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW ?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

A young boy sees a pirate stading with one wooden peg for a leg, a hook for a hand, and wearing a patch over one eye. he goes over to the pirate and asks, "Mr Pirate, how is it you have a wooden stump for a foot?"

The pirate replies, "AAARRRGGGHHH!! i was off de Spanish Main, and in a fight, and a swashbuckler chopped off me leg, and now i have a wooden leg"

"Oh" replies the boy. "so how is it you have a hook for a hand, Mr. Pirate?"

"AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!! i was in the caspian sea, fighting with some land lubbers on the beach, and one o dem chopped off me hand, and now i have a hook. AAARRRGGGGHHHH!"

"Oh my. so Mr Pirate, let me guess how you got the patch. you were in the indian ocean and in a fight and someone stabbed you in the eye and now you wear a patch?"

"ARRRGGHHH. Wrong lad! i was in the Caribbean Seas, and looked up at the mast, and a filthy feathered flyer shat in me eye."

"Bu... But that can't cause you to lose your eye entirely, Mr. Pirate?" the boy said, beginning to suspect everything the pirate said before.

"Indeed you're right, lad. ARRRGGGHHH! but i' twas the first day with me new hook...."

here's hoping you each have a GREAT 2008!!!
and if you cant get what is desired in time,
have no fear, theres always 2009.