Quick Quips Online - Faheem's Blog

Every morning, John would drive by Wrightson Road and every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $10.00. After a while, John started to give the beggar $7.00. The Beggar noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing. After a while John started to give the Beggar $5.00. The Beggar noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it. He stopped John one morning after accepting $5.00 and said, 'Wah happening man?? Yuh use to give me $10.00, den yuh cut it down to $7.00, now dis?' John replied, 'Boy, times get hard. Meh eldest boy just start university and meh daughter now in High School...so you know how it does go...' The beggar looked at him with impatience and asked, 'Exactly how much chirren yuh have boss?' 'Four', replied John. The irate beggar now asked in a tone of disbelief, 'So yuh mean to tell me that is outta MY money yuh sending yuh chirren to school?'

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.' The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.

So THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
'He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and HE'S the son-of a-bitch who ran over my FROG!'

A black guy and his wife are invited to a fancy dress party. He tells
His wife to go and look for the costumes. That night, when he gets
back from work, he finds on the bed a SUPERMAN costume. Shouting,
he says to his wife: "What the **** is this? When have you ever seen
A black SUPERMAN?"

The wife is upset and goes back to the shop to exchange it. When
The husband arrives, on the bed he sees a BATMAN costume and he
shouts:"You are **** mad woman. When have you seen a black BATMAN?
Go and change it for something better."

The wife is now very Annoyed, she returns the costume and buys various things. On the Bed she places 3 white buttons, a white belt and a wooden pole.

When the husband returns and finds the objects on the bed, he says
To his wife: "Whats this?" The wife responds: "It's so that you can
choose your costume: If you take off your clothes and stick the
Buttons to your body you can go as a Domino, if you don't like that you can wear the white belt and go as an Oreo biscuit, If your still not happy you can stick the pole up your ass and go as a MAGNUM!

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've
seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his
progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then
calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes,
No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the
work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to
think he can improve system like that."

The Maid asked for a raise.

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.The first is that I iron better than you."

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "The Master said so."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

Maria: "The Master did."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"

Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care, just like I just did you!!

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow?'

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.