Quick Quips Online - Faheem's Blog

Dear People of Trinidad & Tobago,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

P. Manning
Crime Minister

(The following is a real advertisement that appeared in the Toronto Financial Post on Friday Feb. 23, 2001)

Former Marijuana Smuggler

"Having successfully completed a ten year sentence, incident-free, for importing 75 tons of marijuana in the United States. I am now seeking a legal and legimate means to support myself and my family.

Business Experiece: Owned and operated a successful fishing business - multi-vessel, one airplane, one island and processing facility. Simultaneously owned and operated a fleet of tractor-trailer trucks condicting business in the western United States. During this time i also co-owned and participated in the executive-level management of 120 people worldwide in a successful pot smuggling venture with revenues in excess of US$100 million annually. I took responsibility for my own actions, and received a ten year sentence in the United States while others walked free for their cooperation.

Attributes: i am an expert in all levels of security, i have extensive computer skills, am personable, outgoing, well-educated, reliable, clean and sober. I have spoken in schools to thousands of kids and parent groups over the past ten years on "the consequence of choice", and received public recognition from RCMP for community service. I am well-travelled, and speak English, French and Spanish. References available from friends, family, the U.S. District Attourney, etc.

[if he smuggled pot, and turned over a new leaf... is he still dealing you think?]