http://faheem.blog.co.uk/because days may seem long and our will not as strong, i created a blog, in which i log - the funniest jokes you would have read. you're sure to laugh, then cry, then dead!en-UKhttp://backend.userland.com/rss092http://faheem.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/8f/d214c920ffa551c3cb8af7d2733ce9_160x200.jpg <p>A young fella from Trinidad moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.<br> > ><br> The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'<br> > ><br> The Trini says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Trinidad .'</p> <p>Well, the boss liked the young fella and decided to give him a job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'<br> > ><br> His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'<br> > ><br> The Trini says, 'One.'<br> > ><br> The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'<br> > ><br> The Trini says, '$101,237.65.'<br> > ><br> The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'<br> > ><br> The Trini says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'<br> > ><br> The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'<br> > ><br> The Trini said 'No dred, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, Boss, your weekend done fuked, you might as well go fishing." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/10/30/tremble-at-the-terrific-trini-salesman-7271990/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/10/30/tremble-at-the-terrific-trini-salesman-7271990/Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:14:38 +0100 <p>A West Indian Soap Opera</p> <p>Donovan was on his death bed. His wife Leila was maintaining bedside vigil. She held his fragile hand. Tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. </p> <p>He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Mih dahlin Leila," he whispered. "Hush meh love," she said, "Rest. Shhh...donh talk." </p> <p>He was insistent. "Leila" he said, in his tired voice. "I have someting to confess to yuh."</p> <p>"Yuh have nuttin to confess." replied the weeping Leila. "Everyting alright, go to sleep meh love."</p> <p>"No, no, I have to die in peace love. I sleep wit yuh sister, yuh best friend and yuh mudda."</p> <p>"I know," answered Leila, "dats why I poison yuh ass!" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/10/30/murder-mystery-intrigue-trini-style-7271985/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/10/30/murder-mystery-intrigue-trini-style-7271985/Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:10:25 +0100 <p>A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:</p> <p>BUMP...</p> <p>BUMP...</p> <p>BUMP...</p> <p>Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.</p> <p>BUMP...</p> <p>BUMP...</p> <p>BUMP...</p> <p>Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.</p> <p>FASTER...</p> <p>FASTER..</p> <p>BUMP...</p> <p>BUMP...</p> <p>BUMP......</p> <p>He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.</p> <p>clappity-BUMP...</p> <p>clappity-BUMP....</p> <p>clappity-BUMP...</p> <p>on his heels, as the terrified man runs.</p> <p>Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.</p> <p>With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.</p> <p>Bumping and clapping toward him.</p> <p>The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and,</p> <p>(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)<br> The coffin' stops </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/10/30/your-worst-halloween-nightmare-raaaa-7271981/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/10/30/your-worst-halloween-nightmare-raaaa-7271981/Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:06:42 +0100 <p>Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? </p> <p>Johnny: Seven Sir </p> <p>Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?<br> Johnny: Seven </p> <p>Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have? </p> <p>Johnny: Six. </p> <p>Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? </p> <p>Johnny: Seven! </p> <p>Teacher: Where the fuck do you get seven from? </p> <p>Johnny: Because I fucking have 1 at home already! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/09/15/johnny-the-rabbits-lol-6964978/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/09/15/johnny-the-rabbits-lol-6964978/Tue, 15 Sep 2009 02:20:21 +0200 <p>A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster-one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" </p> <p>So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse. </p> <p>Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there. </p> <p>Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!" </p> <p>But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. </p> <p>Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy." </p> <p>"Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/19/a-farmer-wanted-to-have-his-hens-serviced-so-he-6759109/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/19/a-farmer-wanted-to-have-his-hens-serviced-so-he-6759109/Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:10:34 +0200 <p>Ray is a raging homosexual. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. </p> <p>The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.' </p> <p>Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?' </p> <p>Simple, said the doc. 'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 2 cans beans - mexican only, 1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'. </p> <p>Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?' </p> <p>Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for'. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/19/gay-ray-my-kinda-doctor-6759102/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/19/gay-ray-my-kinda-doctor-6759102/Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:09:07 +0200 <p>Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.</p> <p>He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''</p> <p>She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'</p> <p>I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'<br> Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.</p> <p>'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.</p> <p>On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on...'</p> <p>She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me..' </p> <p>Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'</p> <p>Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'</p> <p>Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'</p> <p>Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/19/pants-and-panties-6759080/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/19/pants-and-panties-6759080/Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:04:43 +0200 <p>A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.</p> <p>A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.</p> <p>The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.</p> <p>"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"<br> "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."</p> <p>With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/02/a-drunk-using-the-bathroom-6638903/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/02/a-drunk-using-the-bathroom-6638903/Sun, 02 Aug 2009 23:20:28 +0200 <p>Roses are red, toilets are white,<br> I'm forcing it out, with all of my might.</p> <p>Soup, soup, makes you poop,<br> Down your leg, and in your boot,<br> It won't stop, until it flows,<br> Around your foot, and through your toes.</p> <p>I Am Woman</p> <p>I am woman, here me roar,<br> I can't take this, any more,<br> This stall lock, just won't work,<br> Must be built, by some male jerk,</p> <p>Now I have to, improvise,<br> To sit like this, is not too wise,<br> 'Cause if I pee, it hits the floor,<br> When my feet, must hold the door.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/02/porcelain-poetry-6638899/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/02/porcelain-poetry-6638899/Sun, 02 Aug 2009 23:20:02 +0200 <p>This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/02/everybody-somebody-anybody-and-nobody-6638726/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/02/everybody-somebody-anybody-and-nobody-6638726/Sun, 02 Aug 2009 22:36:37 +0200 <p>A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.</p> <p>Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.</p> <p>Active socially: Drinks heavily.</p> <p>Alert to company developments: An office gossip.</p> <p>Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.</p> <p>Average: Not too bright.</p> <p>Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.</p> <p>Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.</p> <p>Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.</p> <p>Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.</p> <p>Conscientious and careful: Scared.</p> <p>Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.</p> <p>Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.</p> <p>Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.</p> <p>Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.</p> <p>Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.</p> <p>Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.</p> <p>Enjoys job: Needs more to do.</p> <p>Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.</p> <p>Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.</p> <p>Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.</p> <p>Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.</p> <p>Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.</p> <p>Happy: Paid too much.</p> <p>Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.</p> <p>Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.</p> <p>Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.</p> <p>Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.</p> <p>Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.</p> <p>Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.</p> <p>Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.</p> <p>Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.</p> <p>Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.</p> <p>Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.</p> <p>Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.</p> <p>Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.</p> <p>Maintains professional attitude: A snob.</p> <p>Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.</p> <p>Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.</p> <p>Not a desk person: Did not go to college.</p> <p>Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.</p> <p>Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.</p> <p>Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.</p> <p>Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.</p> <p>Should go far: Please.</p> <p>Slightly below average: Stupid.</p> <p>Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.</p> <p>Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.</p> <p>Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.</p> <p>Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.</p> <p>Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.</p> <p>Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.</p> <p>Takes pride in work: Conceited.</p> <p>Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.</p> <p>Uses resources well: Delegates everything.</p> <p>Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.</p> <p>Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.</p> <p>Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.</p> <p>Well organized: Does too much busywork.</p> <p>Will go far: Relative of management.</p> <p>Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.</p> <p>Zealous attitude: Opinionated. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/02/performance-evaluation-translations-6638688/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/02/performance-evaluation-translations-6638688/Sun, 02 Aug 2009 22:25:29 +0200 <p>Dear Sir,</p> <p>I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.</p> <p>I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.</p> <p>Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds. </p> <p>Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. </p> <p>Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.</p> <p>At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.</p> <p>In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.</p> <p>I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/02/the-accident-report-6638620/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/08/02/the-accident-report-6638620/Sun, 02 Aug 2009 22:13:19 +0200 <p>There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion , a Chimpanzee , a Giraffe , and a Squirrel , who pass by. </p> <p>They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? </p> <p>Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully - Try and answer within 30 seconds Got your answer? </p> <p>If your answer is: </p> <p>Lion = you're dull.<br> Chimpanzee = you're a moron..<br> Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.<br> Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid. </p> <p>A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS. </p> <p>Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/banana-test-6463181/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/banana-test-6463181/Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:39:37 +0200 <p>Written by KIDS</p> <p>You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.<br> -- Alan, age 10 </p> <p> No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.<br> -- Kristen, age 10 </p> <p>WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?<br> Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.<br> -- Camille, age 10 </p> <p>HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?<br> You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.<br> -- Derrick, age 8 </p> <p>WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?<br> Both don't want any more kids.<br> -- Lori, age 8 </p> <p>WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?<br> Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.<br> -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) </p> <p> On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.<br> -- Martin, age 10 </p> <p>WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?<br> I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.<br> -- Craig, age 9<br> WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?<br> When they're rich.<br> -- Pam, age 7 </p> <p> The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.<br> - - Curt, age 7 </p> <p> The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.<br> -- Howard, age 8 </p> <p>IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?<br> It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.<br> -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child) </p> <p>HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?<br> There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?<br> -- Kelvin, age 8 </p> <p> And the #1 Favorite is........<br> HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?<br> Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.<br> -- Ricky, age 10 </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/how-do-you-decide-whom-to-marry-6463175/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/how-do-you-decide-whom-to-marry-6463175/Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:36:53 +0200 <p>(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.</p> <p>(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.</p> <p>(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.<br> (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!</p> <p>(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)</p> <p>(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.</p> <p>(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').</p> <p>(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!</p> <p>(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/nine-words-women-use-6463166/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/nine-words-women-use-6463166/Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:29:38 +0200 <p>A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.</p> <p>One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. </p> <p>The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'</p> <p>Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'</p> <p>Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.</p> <p>The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!</p> <p>Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.</p> <p>'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!</p> <p>Moral of this story.... Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/bullshit-and-brilliance-6463161/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/bullshit-and-brilliance-6463161/Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:28:10 +0200 <p>> > Jim died.<br> > ><br> > > His will<br> > > provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.<br> > ><br> > > As the last<br> > > guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her<br> > > oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would<br> > > be pleased,' she said.<br> > ><br> > > 'I'm<br> > > sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her<br> > > voice and leaned in close.<br> > ><br> > > 'How much<br> > > did this really cost?'<br> > ><br> > > 'All of<br> > > it,' said Sharon . 'Forty thousand.'<br> > ><br> > > 'No!'<br> > > Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but<br> > > $40,000?'<br> > ><br> > > Sharon answered,<br> > > 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The<br> > > whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went<br> > > for the Memorial Stone.'<br> > ><br> > > Brenda<br> > > computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big<br> > > is it?'... before noticing the huge diamond on her friend's ring. What a legacy.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/what-a-legacy-6463158/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/what-a-legacy-6463158/Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:25:31 +0200 <p>Here are some facts about the 1500s: </p> <p>Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. </p> <p>Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.. </p> <p>Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying It's raining cats and dogs. </p> <p>There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. </p> <p>The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold. </p> <p>(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)</p> <p>In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old... </p> <p>Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.. </p> <p>Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. </p> <p>Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust. </p> <p>Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.</p> <p>England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell, or was considered a dead ringer. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/in-the-1500-s-6463156/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/in-the-1500-s-6463156/Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:23:31 +0200 <p>Two roti liming. </p> <p>One roti say "Boy I feeling real down and out. Is long time I eh see my pumpkin." </p> <p>The other one say "You feel you have it hard?... My roti skin dry an' my wife leave me for a piece of paratha" </p> <p>The first roti say "Wayyy boy.You really is de "SADA ROTI" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/roti-6463142/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/roti-6463142/Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:13:02 +0200 <p>Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: </p> <p>Dear Grand-daughter, </p> <p>The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. </p> <p>I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.. </p> <p>So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. </p> <p>Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. </p> <p>I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. </p> <p>It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. </p> <p>I found that lots of people love Jesus! </p> <p>While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' </p> <p>'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' </p> <p>What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! </p> <p>I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. </p> <p>I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. </p> <p>I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. </p> <p>He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. </p> <p>Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. </p> <p>My grandson burst out laughing. </p> <p>Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! </p> <p>A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. </p> <p>I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. </p> <p>So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.. </p> <p>I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. </p> <p>So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! </p> <p>Will write again soon,<br> Love, Grandma </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/a-letter-from-grandma-lol-6463132/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/a-letter-from-grandma-lol-6463132/Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:06:13 +0200 <p>Dear People of Trinidad & Tobago,</p> <p>Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).</p> <p>Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).</p> <p>Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.</p> <p>Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.</p> <p>Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.</p> <p>Sincerely,</p> <p>P. Manning<br> Crime Minister </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/04/24/of-us-by-us-for-us-6000698/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/04/24/of-us-by-us-for-us-6000698/Fri, 24 Apr 2009 16:25:13 +0200 <p><em>(The following is a real advertisement that appeared in the Toronto Financial Post on Friday Feb. 23, 2001)</em></p> <p><strong>Former Marijuana Smuggler</strong></p> <p>"Having successfully completed a ten year sentence, incident-free, for importing 75 tons of marijuana in the United States. I am now seeking a legal and legimate means to support myself and my family.</p> <p><strong>Business Experiece:</strong> Owned and operated a successful fishing business - multi-vessel, one airplane, one island and processing facility. Simultaneously owned and operated a fleet of tractor-trailer trucks condicting business in the western United States. During this time i also co-owned and participated in the executive-level management of 120 people worldwide in a successful pot smuggling venture with revenues in excess of US$100 million annually. I took responsibility for my own actions, and received a ten year sentence in the United States while others walked free for their cooperation. </p> <p><strong>Attributes:</strong> i am an expert in all levels of security, i have extensive computer skills, am personable, outgoing, well-educated, reliable, clean and sober. I have spoken in schools to thousands of kids and parent groups over the past ten years on "the consequence of choice", and received public recognition from RCMP for community service. I am well-travelled, and speak English, French and Spanish. References available from friends, family, the U.S. District Attourney, etc. </p> <p>[if he smuggled pot, and turned over a new leaf... is he still dealing you think?] </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/04/22/employment-wanted-or-else-5988518/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/04/22/employment-wanted-or-else-5988518/Wed, 22 Apr 2009 16:58:08 +0200 <p>Virginity like<br> bubble, one prick, all gone. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Man who run in<br> front of car get tired. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Man who run behind<br> car get exhausted. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Man with hand in<br> pocket feel cocky all day.</p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Foolish man give<br> wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright<br> organ. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Man with one<br> chopstick go hungry. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Man who scratch ass<br> should not bite fingernails. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Man who eat many<br> prunes get good run for money. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Baseball is wrong:<br> man with four balls cannot walk. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> War does not<br> determine who is right, war determine who is<br> left. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Wife who put<br> husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Man who fight with<br> wife all day get no piece at night. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> It take many nails<br> to build crib, but one screw to fill it. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Man who drive like<br> hell, bound to get there. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Man who stand on<br> toilet is high on pot. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Man who live in<br> glass house should change clothes in basement. </p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Man who fish in<br> other man's well often catch crabs.</p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<br> Crowded elevator<br> smell different to midget.</p> <p>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/03/26/confucius-say-5836572/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2009/03/26/confucius-say-5836572/Thu, 26 Mar 2009 15:21:19 +0100 <p>A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. </p> <p>She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids,' </p> <p>Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' </p> <p>She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/09/22/i-think-you-re-the-father-of-one-of-my-kids-4762833/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/09/22/i-think-you-re-the-father-of-one-of-my-kids-4762833/Mon, 22 Sep 2008 15:45:15 +0200 <p>From now on, it’ll never be said that airport ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. We dug up a few actual (or at least claimed to be) logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.</p> <p>Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.<br> Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.</p> <p>Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.<br> Solution: Live bugs on backorder.</p> <p>Problem: Something loose in cockpit.<br> Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.</p> <p>Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.<br> Solution: Evidence removed.</p> <p>Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.<br> Solution: That’s what they’re there for!</p> <p>Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.<br> Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.</p> <p>Problem: Aircraft handles funny.<br> Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.</p> <p>Problem: Radar hums.<br> Solution: Reprogrammed radar with words.</p> <p>Problem: IFF inoperative.<br> Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.</p> <p>Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.<br> Solution: Suspect you’re right.</p> <p>Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.<br> Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.</p> <p>Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.<br> Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.</p> <p>Problem: Number 3 engine missing.<br> Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.</p> <p>By the way, according to the report, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. Really inspires alot of confidence doesn’t it?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/dear-lord-airline-problems-solutions-4637693/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/dear-lord-airline-problems-solutions-4637693/Tue, 26 Aug 2008 05:32:30 +0200 <p>King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.</p> <p>After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he’d see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.</p> <p>A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. “This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”</p> <p>“Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.</p> <p>“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the greatful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”</p> <p>After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.</p> <p>Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ’short arm’ inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.</p> <p>“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”</p> <p>And there he stood... speechless…</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/true-loyalty-4637690/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/true-loyalty-4637690/Tue, 26 Aug 2008 05:25:15 +0200 <p>During WW II a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad, so the German doctor amputated his left arm. He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did.</p> <p>The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing. The Germans complied.</p> <p>The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England. The German doctor replied, “Sorry, we do dis no more!”</p> <p>The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, “we think you trying to escape!”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/kamikaze-planning-4637681/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/kamikaze-planning-4637681/Tue, 26 Aug 2008 05:21:55 +0200 <p>A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks. </p> <p>“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.</p> <p>I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.</p> <p>I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,</p> <p>‘Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.’”</p> <p>St. Peter was impressed.</p> <p>“When did this happen?”</p> <p>“Just a few minutes ago.”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/bad-ass-angel-4637679/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/bad-ass-angel-4637679/Tue, 26 Aug 2008 05:20:20 +0200 <p>Cohen and Levy were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. “Cohen,” asked Levy, “Are there any Jews in Mexico?”</p> <p>I don’t know,” Levy replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”</p> <p>When the waiter came by, Levy asked him, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”</p> <p>“I do not know sir, I ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Mexican Jews.”</p> <p>“Are you sure?” Levy asked.</p> <p>“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.</p> <p>While he was still gone, Cohen said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”</p> <p>When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Mexican Jews.”</p> <p>“Are you really sure?” Levy asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews.”</p> <p>“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have orange Jews, grape Jews, tomato Jews and prune Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!”</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/mexican-jews-4637676/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/mexican-jews-4637676/Tue, 26 Aug 2008 05:19:12 +0200 <p>Got an old grampa or grandma a little out of shape? Are you an old fart wanting to lift weights but don’t know where to start? Never fear, follow along while we whip you into great condition!</p> <p>Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.</p> <p>After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)</p> <p>After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/geriatric-weight-lifting-4637674/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://faheem.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/geriatric-weight-lifting-4637674/Tue, 26 Aug 2008 05:18:04 +0200